See Lor , 22

See married at 16. Her husband had an affair during their marriage. See left him to return to her parents for support, but her parents and other relatives forced her to go back to him.

“I was forced into the car against my will to return to my husband’s house. As one last hope, I grabbed my mom’s hand and told her, ‘Next time I will not return to your home. Next time I will only return to you at a funeral. When you hear that your daughter has died in her husband’s house, please tell my father and relatives that your daughter wasn’t their daughter anymore. For it was the decision of you all to return me to die in my husband’s house.’

My mother hugged me and cried. I wanted her to stop me from going back, but she didn’t. I was pulled into the car and returned back to my husband’s house.

A stream of questions run through my head as I try to find answers and somehow make the best of a situation I didn’t choose. I try to avoid complete eye contact with him. I don’t want him to know how deeply I love-loved him. I don’t want to look into his eyes because I’m scared there won’t be a reflection of me in there.

What attracted him to her? Did I do something to him for him to do such a thing to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why doesn’t he want me anymore? Did he think about how selfish he was being after all I’ve given him? Does he love me? Do I love him? Why am I crying? What am I crying for?

It’s been a year since his affair. We don’t talk about it anymore. I’ve been forbidden to bring it up and told that I should just ‘let it go’ if I want our relationship to move forward. How can I move forward when I’ve lost an unexplainable part of myself? I ask him why he did it, and he can’t give me an answer.

The cold, dry, gloomy weather is starting to set in as it reminds me of the affair — as if it happened just yesterday. The bitter coldness of this vulgar air affects my body by giving me throbbing migraines with no end. I surrender to loneliness as my mind digs deeper in depression. I keep myself busy with a job, classes in between and two young children to take care of, sometimes not going to bed until two in the morning. I make sure my mind is preoccupied. so I don’t have to remember what happened, what I accepted and how low I have degraded myself.

In the stillness of the night I lie next to the person I once loved and thought I knew. I wonder when he will grow up, get a stable job, maybe an education, an ambition for a better life, and realize he has a family and that his family should be his first priority. I see myself growing into a person who has a career, an education, and a life in which I can pursue my dreams and desires and raise my children. I used to be able to picture him by my side but will no longer. I want my husband to be responsible, supportive and make me laugh. I want to feel safe and protected in the comfort of his voice.

I want the Hmong community to know that a successful marriage is built with the commitment of two. It’s not a one-way street where the wife is blinded only to accept her husband’s abuse, affairs, neglect, and disrespect. If my own people turn their back on me just because I am a divorced woman, they will lose another one of their sisters. I’m willing to deny my culture and my people for my happiness if they won’t help me. You only live life once. Why not make it a wonderful experience and not dream about what I should have done or what I deserve? I believe I am worthy of the world and should not limit myself to anything less.”

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Excerpt from See's story, written and photographed by Kou Vang